Shakira Attacked By Sea Lion (Maggie)

Would you talk baby talk and try to pet this?

Yes, it’s a real headline.

According to pop star Shakira’s Facebook page, and immediately picked up by every media outlet in the country, the pop star was on a nature tour near Cape Town, South Africa, when she spotted some sea lions basking on the beach and minding their own freaking business.

“I thought to myself how cute they were so I decided to get a bit closer than all the other tourists…”

No, I am not making this up.

So is this part of that celebrity mental disorder that twists their brains up until they think they can do things ordinary people can’t do? Like shoplift at will, or not show up for their DWI hearings, or get prescriptions for whatever they’re addicted to, from Doctors who won’t say no to them?  Cause if it is, we need to let our celebs know that this enabling culture of ours does not extend to the animal kingdom.  I’m pretty sure the sea lions don’t read the tabloids or watch VH1, so….yeah. They didn’t get the memo about famous humans being allowed to behave in ways that would not be tolerated in any other human type creature.

And what about all these other people on the beach?  Was no one brave enough to shout, “Hey stupid famous person, you are going to be eaten!”

Apparently not.  Maybe they thought they were being punked or something.  Candid Camera had to be filming from somewhere nearby, or maybe it was a film shoot and Jim Carrey was hiding inside a sea lion suit.

Shakira posted that she  “…went down to a rock trying to pet them doing a baby talk while taking pictures.”

I swear to God, that is what she wrote.

So she saw the sea lions, and she decided that they would let her pet them, and that they would respond well to baby talk. But she missed the warning that’s inherent in the name of these particular critters.  Sea LIONS. Did she stop to wonder why they were not called Sea Teddy Bears? Or Sea Cutie-pie puppy kitty babies?

“Suddenly, one of them jumped out of the water so fast and impetuously that it got about one foot away from me, looked me in the eye, roared in fury and tried to bite me.”

FINALLY! She used some commas. That’s a huge relief. But um, is it just me or is everyone rooting for the sea lion at this point?

But wait, there’s more.

“I believe what happened is that it confused the shiny reflection of the BlackBerry I was taking these pics with, with some sort of fish.”

Or maybe it just thought that some spoiled, entitled human was tromping right up to it, talking baby talk and trying to pet it.  Either way the sea lion was provoked and no court in the land would convict him.  Um, unless the court was in Los Angeles County.

“It probably thought I was teasing it with food and then taking it away from it.”

Yep, I’ll bet that’s exactly what the sea lion thought. Or maybe he just didn’t like her last single. Everyone’s a critic.

“Wow! It’s funny that only half an hour before I was complaining to my guide Andrew that I never get to see wild animals up close on adventurous trips.”

Wow!  It’s even funnier that just the other day I was telling someone that the human race isn’t as dumb as most of us think it is. Thanks for setting me straight.  The most astounding and shocking part of this entire story is that she spelled “impetuously” right.

(I kid because I can. And because it’s funny.  And because if I did something this misguided and then blogged about it, I’d expect some good natured ribbing too.)

Note to self-esteem: Maybe my waistline is bigger around than hers, but at least my descendants will evolve.


PS: My advice book is FREE on Kindle this week.  Free period ends Saturday.  It’ll be coming to Nook by Mid-March and will launch with a free week there too.  And yes, the next edition will include the savvy advice that one should probably NOT try to pet sea lions.

FREE on Kindle Until Saturday