Yeah, I know I’ve been erratic in my posting. That’s because, my children, I suffer from the Big D. Depression. I’ve had a perfect cocktail of anti-depressants the last few years — they got me through my sister’s death and my husband’s heart attack without collapsing, and I’ve been able to soldier on pretty well through the last few years of financial stress. But my mother’s death did me in, and I’ve been moaning and weeping and wandering around, unable to work. I’ve been a mess.
I’m beginning to see the light again, but being in the season of jolly can make things difficult. Everyone’s ‘ho ho hoing’ and I’m weeping.
Not bah humbug, though. I adore Christmas, everything about it. It’s the season of light returning to darkness (in almost every tradition) and I need the light to return to my darkness. I want joy to the world, I want to deck the halls.
I gotta be patient. I’m seeing glimmers of cheer through all the gloom, though I spent a lot of time sobbing yesterday and the day before. I’ve got a million things to do, and while a few of them are fun, lots of them are pure stress.
So I have tasks set before me:
1. Do the things I enjoy
2. Don’t do the things I think I “must” do (at least in terms of the holiday). This means only bake if I want to, shop if I want to, clean if I want to. People can find there way around the mess.
3. Try to move outside myself. Go to church (I’m an uber-liberal protestant but a believer) and look at the bigger picture. Do things to help other people instead of worrying so much about my mood.
4. In fact, don’t think about how bad I feel. It’s a given — ignore it.
5. Write a holiday story so I can totally immerse myself in the season. I really really love Christmas, and I hate the thought of losing it while things are tough. If I can go into a fictional world that isn’t contracted I can remember why I love writing and why I love Christmas.
Any of you feeling the blues? I know people don’t tend to talk about clinical depression, but hell, I talk about anything I feel like talking about. I don’t have much of a filter.
So I’m going to do my best to feel jolly. If any of you have any hints, please pass ‘em along.
I’ll let you know how I’m doing next week.